Passing time and waiting for the inevitable

Well, I feel bad that I haven’t blogged in a while. I’ve been in one of those moods where I just felt stifled. Dad is doing about the same as far as I can tell. I still go over as often as I did before, but I don’t stay all day anymore. I think I’ve come to another wall of feelings that are new to me and they’re hard to explain. I was talking to mom about that just yesterday. I told her that I felt guilty but I just don’t feel that sense of urgency anymore towards dad. I’ve so deeply accepted his fate and reconciled myself to such a point that I don’t feel anything but complacency. I’ve accomplished all of his tasks, I’ve nothing left to do now, but wait. Waiting is so very difficult, escpecially when you don’t know what the end of the day or tomorrow or the end of the week might bring. I still call dad every morning to see how his day is starting off. I don’t call at night anymore or at least not as often. I feel bad about that, but I wonder sometimes if my doing that was just a symptom of fear for what we’re all expecting. I don’t want dad to think that we’re all waiting for him to die, how do you not express that when it’s so obvious? It was 8 weeks on Feb. 9th since the doctor told dad that he had a few weeks to live. Has it been those few weeks? Doctors don’t really know do they?