It was 7 months since dad's passing on October 4th. I can't believe so much time has passed since dad died. I have held fast to the promise that I made to dad that I would turn my life around and I have done alot to keep that promise. I'm going back to school in a few weeks, and i'm going to continue to hold on to my promise to dad to finish this time.
I have gone this whole summer being ok with him not being here. It's the fall now, and it's alot more difficult. He had been sick all year long last year, 2009, but it was late September and into the fall that he really started spiraling. I seem to be reliving everything. It doesn't help any that Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and then Christmas, and then his birthday in January...
I had a dream about dad last night that really shook me hard. I woke up a little after 1:00 and couldn't go back to sleep.
The Dream.
"We were in the hospital and the doctor told dad that he was going to die on Wednesday. Then we were out in the truck, and I had my head in his lap. He was compaining about his stomach hurting and that it would shut down soon. I was looking up at him and running my hand through his hair on the side of his head. I told him I had started school, and he said his stomach was really hurting. I told him that I really loved him and that I was proud of him. He looked at me with a stern look on his face. Then he told me that this is it, his stomach was shutting down, and while I was looking up at him and running my hands through his hair, he closed his eyes and died…"
I think the reason the doctor told dad he was going to die on Wednesday was because in real life dad was told on a wednesday that he was going to die. The rest of this dream seems to be me telling dad the biggest accomplish i've made since he passed, taking the first steps toward my future. The rest was just a reflection of my love for him.
There's a huge part of me that wishes that I had been more emotional with dad when he was going through all of his illness. I was so in control of my emotions that when I was with him I was loving and nurturing and I never allowed myself to cry in front of him. I sat with him on the Saturday morning before the day Sunday that he died, and I did weep in front of him. I did reassure him that I'd be ok without him, and I got up and kissed him on his forehead and hugged him and told him I loved him, but I wish I would have kissed him like that everyday, and hugged him everyday. I did tell him that I loved him everyday, and that should be enough, but for some reason right now that doesn't feel like enough...
I just really miss dad...
