Two parts of my dad's funeral.

Dad's Funeral, Dad's Grave Side, and Finality

Tuesday morning I didn’t get much sleep. I woke up at 3, just awake and heavy with thought. I got up at 3:30 and got dressed for the day. I drank my coffee and spent 3 hours writing dad’s letter. It just seemed to pour out of me. I went over to moms around 10:30 that morning and rode with her to see dad at the funeral home. When I walked through the doors and headed down the hallway towards dad I could feel my body constricting and pulling me in the opposite direction. I just kept walking because I knew that it would pass. I glanced in and saw dad’s coffin and just had to walk past the room, I could feel and upheaval of emotion and I wasn’t ready to do that in front of people. After I gathered myself together I went in and saw dad. All I could hear was people saying how good he looked. He didn’t look good. Are you kidding me? He looked like a mannequin. They put too much foundation color, or whatever you’d call that stuff, on him. He looked too made up. I guess I had seen him for so long in such a state of deathlike apparition, that I couldn’t tell a difference. The one thing that I was taken aback by was how long his eyelashes were. That was just amazing to me. Mine are long and I use to always get comments on that when I was a little boy. Now I know where I got them. Mom didn’t want dad dressed in a suit. She wanted him dressed in his casual clothes. So he was buried in a plaid shirt and jeans. They asked for underclothing, so yes he was wearing a t-shirt and underwear and socks.

After we got back from visiting with dad we had lunch. My sisters did not come by for support and only one sister came to the viewing. So it fell upon me once again to comfort mom alone. After we had lunch, mom and I had to go back to the cemetery to straighten out the funeral plots. Once we got there we discovered that the woman who sold us the three plots had sold us three plots that belonged to someone else. We were both astonished that that could happen. It ended up working out better, because the three plots we picked out actually were in a better location with shade, and near dad’s father.

I came back home for a while to get into my funeral clothing, and to pick up Mike and then we headed over to moms. We were both very somber. Once we got to mom’s some of his brothers and his sisters were there. We spoke with them for a while and then got ready to head to the funeral home. We go there around 5:20 and took our time looking at all of dad’s flowers. They were all so beautiful. Mom was very happy with all of them and especially the casket spray that she picked out for him.

Soon everyone started showing up. There were the Parkers from Kinston, the Johnson’s from Virginia and North Carolina, and the Worley’s from Selma, and family members that I can’t remember their names from all over the state. I was so impressed with the gathering. We mingled and chatted amongst ourselves for a while. Most of these people I haven’t spoken too since I was a little kid. Some were upset and visibly shaken, and others seemed to be at peace with things. I was feeling ok. I didn’t seem to have any pain yet.

The funeral director came and got us all and we filed out down the hall and through the lobby and outside through the carport area and into the family room entrance. There were a lot of us. We ended up fitting 9 to our bench. It was Mom, then me, Gary, Teresa, Michael, Debbie, Brittany and Grandma. When I first sat down Teresa was sitting beside mom. Mom quickly told Teresa to trade places with me. I’m glad she did. Mom had asked me a while back to sit beside her. I should have done that to begin with.

So after we were all seated the funeral began. It slapped me hard and I began crying. I tried to hold it together, but you really can’t in such a situation as this. The first preacher said a lot of good things. He had known dad for a long time, so he was spot on with everything he said. Then there was a song sung. I’m not sure of the name, but it was beautiful. Then the second preacher got up and he started speaking. I kept thinking about the letter I wrote and I was suddenly embarrassed. I was afraid of how it would sound. I was afraid that it was going to be childish or come across as something other than what I meant it. Once the preacher got through his speaking, he introduced the letter. He read it and it was so beautiful. I honestly couldn’t believe that that came out of me. I held my breath and just literally turned purple with despair and such upheaval of sorrow. Mom put her arm around me and comforted me. I just tried so hard not to make any guttural sounds, I wanted to maintain my composure so bad but couldn’t. That letter sounded like everything I could have ever said about my dad, and it just sounded so perfect. Then he finished, and it was suddenly over. He told everyone to remain seated while the family was brought out for visitation.

When the funeral director started lining chairs up out in the sanctuary at the front by the podium I kept thinking “I can’t do this…” I was very scared. Mom was first out, and then I was right beside her. Then everyone in the family poured forth. The first thought I had was feeling like we were in a play and this was the stage, and none of this was real, just an act. Then after we were all seated people in the sanctuary got up and filed out into the center aisle. They stretched all the way out the back door into the lobby. I was amazed. People started with mom and then worked over to me. They hugged me and shook my hand and some told me how beautiful the letter was, and how I had a wonderful dad. They all told me how sorry they were for my loss. One person told me to strive to be like my dad, and one person told me to write down all the advice dad gave me through the years. One person even told me that I should take his place as greeter at his church. I wanted to say “I’m not going to try to take my dad’s place” but I ended up saying, we’ll see and maybe… I saw people that I didn’t know; most were people that went to their church. There were lots of extended family, and distant cousins. After it was all over and most of the people had left, mom came and told us she was ready to go. Mike and I gathered ourselves together and took her home. Once there, yet again, I discovered my sisters were nowhere around. One sister went to see her mother-in-law, and the other sister went home. I know they both were dealing with their grief in their on way. It's ok and I understand I just hope they both can get through it.

I proceeded to pull food out of the fridge. I heated up stuff and laid plates on the table. It ended up only being mom, grandma, Mike and me, as usual… The one thing I felt good about was how we were actually eating out of real plates and not paper plates. We had been using paper plates for four months. It started to feel like a new normal. While eating, I noticed mom’s actions and her current mood. She seemed to be handling everything ok. I felt ok at that point too. We stayed awhile and then around 10 or so we left to go home. I didn’t want to leave mom, and it hurt me that I did. I know I could have gone back and spent the night, and I asked, and she not too. Once we got home I just wanted to go to bed. I had been up since 3:30 that morning and I was dog tired.

The next morning we got up and headed over to mom’s for the grave side service. Mom, Mike and I rode together in mom’s car. We ended up being a few minutes late for the service. I guess we just let time get away from us. There weren’t that many people there, but the ones that were there were mainly family. A few of my friend were there, and Penny and Meredith were there. It was a short beautiful service. We got up and hugged and talked to a lot of people. Dad’s vault lid was beautiful. It had two men in a boat. They were fishing with colorful fish beneath them. Below the picture it said “Gone Fishing”. I felt very sad and I felt a sharp pain of finality.

Once we left to go back to moms, we began setting up the kitchen area for the ridiculous amount of food that was on its way. I had no idea just how much food there would be. All of dad’s brothers and sisters were there and all of dad’s children were there. We sat up the food area and prepared to eat. Mom, Brittany, Teresa, Michael, Debbie, Me, and Tori sat at the round dining table and ate. Afterwards I showed Debbie and Teresa dad’s hospital papers. It showed the actual procedure of his operation and diagnosis. We discovered that what he had was hereditary and I left that thought with them and moved on into the living room.

I won’t go into all the feelings that I was having on this particular day, but I will say after we cleaned up and after both my sisters left, I suddenly felt the weight of mom’s fragility on my shoulders. I stayed and Mike went home to do a few things around the house. It was jus t mom, grandma and me now. We all three took a nap. Then we got up and went to see dad’s grave. It was difficult for me to see. I kept having waves of emotion that I couldn’t keep down. Then we headed back over to moms where mom, grandma and I decided to plant the three Hydrangeas and the One Azalea that was part of dad’s funeral. Once we did that, one of my sisters decided to come back over for a while. Mom, grandma and I ate dinner and then cleaned up and then my sister brought me home. It was after 9 when I got home. So even though I had been with mom all day, I cried for having to leave her.

Dad

I have so many things that I want to say about my dad, but know I can only say so much. He was a multi-faceted person. He was like an onion in that he had so many different layers of wonderful and unique qualities that you just had to get to know him to uncover. Obviously dad was a gentle, soft spoken man. He was a good listener and he always put great thought behind each word that he spoke. You always knew he was listening to you as you talked to him. You could just look at him and see that he was absorbing your words, and then when you finished talking you would always have a sense of anticipation as to what his response would be. He always gave the best advice in that he never just gave you the answer you wanted to hear. He was true to his convictions and to his experience with life.

Dad was the man that if you were hanging at the end of your rope and on the verge of falling on your face, you could simply call upon him and know that he’d do everything in his power to keep you from falling. If you did fall he’d pick you up and he’d help you find your footing in life once more. You knew that he wouldn’t be judgmental or hard on you. He’d just offer you compassion and understanding.
Dad had a wealth of knowledge on every subject from nature, to fishing and hunting, to woodworking, cooking, metal smith and gardening. His constant desire to learn and do was amazing. He was so full of ideas and he wanted to do so many things. He loved to work with his hands and he appreciated nothing more than a good mechanical problem that begged to be solved. He could come up with some of the most ingenious solutions. That’s one of the things that I’ll miss the most about dad. You could always count on him to have an answer for something you were at a loss about.

Dad loved his family; he loved his friends, and anyone that just happened to grace the surface of his life. He worked with diligence and determination. He had this way about him that wasn’t necessarily one of doing a job perfectly, but doing the best he could, and he always pushed that in everything he did. If you ever had the opportunity to work with dad or help him on a project, he would guide you along in such a way that would allow you to leave the task with better knowledge of what you had done. He was a good teacher, and a good companion to have in life.

Even when dad was going through the first stages of his illness, he persevered. Between going back and forth to the doctor and having tests run, he would push himself through his pain and discomfort to continue his work and doing the things he enjoyed. One thing that stands out in my mind was how he worked on his creek boat. He had a modification that he wanted to do so that he could use an electric motor with foot petals to steer the boat. He successfully did that and with such excitement he enjoyed sharing how he did it. He took great pleasure in getting to spend what time he could with his boat on the river. We spent early spring through midsummer fishing in his favorite places. He would call me on his good days and want to go to fishing, and he did it in such a way that I was clueless that he was as sick as he was. I knew that he had some health issues, but not what it ended up being. We’d get up early in the morning and load up the boat and the trailer and head out. He’d have such anticipation and excitement that you just would never know that he wasn’t doing well physically. Even in his pain he never complained and he would go about doing things the way he always did and he’d see each task through til the end. You could still count on dad even when he was going through the worst.

What was amazing to me was how dad micro-managed his care from day one after his diagnosis. When he became bedridden he would look at every aspect of what was happening to him and he would get past the hurdles of it. He made it easy on us, his caretakers, by giving us guidance when he saw we needed it. When he would see us wrestling with a task, he’d stop us midway through and he’d walk us through it. The next time we did that same task it would be easy and efficiently done because of his earlier guidance. Throughout the entirety of this dad always had a grace about him and he could teach you things without you even knowing it. It was a great pleasure helping dad and no matter who it was that was helping him through his illness, he always had that gentleness about him, that warm smile of appreciation.

His final lesson in life, at least to me, and hopefully everyone that knew him, was how to properly live your life and then leave when it was time. He never struggled, never complained, he always greeted people with that same welcoming smile and open spirit. He accepted everything with grace and he appreciated every simple thing that was done for him. He left us knowing that we were ready and that we’d be ok in a life without him.

The Days After...

Sunday, after I had gotten the call that dad had passed; I spent the morning with my family at mom and dad’s. Around 1 I decided to go home and get lunch and drop Mike off at the house. On the way back to mom and Dad’s I started crying and couldn’t seem to stop. When I got to moms my sisters were there with my grandmother and my mom. I went straight to the bathroom because I don’t like for people to see me cry. I don’t like to be consoled or touched when I’m grieving. I don’t know why, but my nerves seem to be on the edge of my skin, and I recoil. I sat in the computer room and continued to try to gather myself back together, but just had a hard time of it. I knew that I couldn’t go into the living room at all because of that hospice bed, so I decided to take it apart and drag it outside under the carport. So my two sisters and I did just that. We put the furniture back the way it use to be and we all felt better for it. As the day drug on and people started coming to visit, things started getting easier. My sister Teresa spent the night, and I reluctantly went home around 9.

Monday was a completely different day. I had slept pretty well and I managed to go about my routine of coffee and dog walking. I then headed over to moms. When I got there my sister Teresa was there with my mom and my grandma. We gathered up dad’s photos and headed off to breakfast at Shoney’s and then went to the funeral home. I sort of had a moment of angry outburst, but it was just that, a short lived lashing out. It was over and I apologized for it afterwards. Then we went and picked out dad’s flowers.

When we got back I decided to get dad’s John Deere riding mower out. I had been hesitant because that was his and he always took the best care of it and I only used it once. I was afraid of how it would make me feel. I was right about that. When I got it out of the barn I couldn’t figure out how to operate it properly and my first thought was to ask dad. I cried because of the obvious. I consulted the manual instead. I worked for a few hours cutting grass to stay busy and then when I finished I went in and showered.

The rest of the day was spent receiving visitors and way too much food. My emotions seemed to be leveled out and I was ok.

I am now overwhelmed with worry for mom. I don’t want her to be alone and I don’t want my grandmother to leave and go back home to Virginia. Mom told me before I went home last night that she was going to have to be alone sometime. I told her that I was having a hard time visualizing that. I know she will be ok eventually, but I have a sick feeling in my stomach for how she will be feeling those first few nights.

Dad's Passing

So I got up this morning, drank my coffee and stayed in the guest bedroom while I blogged my earlier posting. I peeked in at daddy to see if he needed anything briefly and noticed he was still sleeping. Mom was asleep on the couch, so I didn't disturb them. After I blogged, I decided to go in and check on dad. He looked up at me and I asked him if he was ok. He mouthed something to me and I couldn't understand him, so I he asked for something to write on. He wanted me to change his Depends. I didn't wake mom, I let her sleep. I went through the process of cutting them off of him and he was able to roll over for me just enough to clean him up. He must have been very uncomfortable because he asked for skin cream. After I did that and changed the padding he was laying on, I had to remove his pj top. It was long sleeve, and it was very difficult to get off of him, but we did it the same way we always did it. He'd reach his arms up and grab onto the trapeze bar above his bed, but this time i had to place his hands around the bar. His skin was very cold and clammy and I had a difficult time getting the new pj top on. I talked to him the whole time I was doing it. I was very gentle in my tone and reassuring. I had him good to go and comfortable in no time. After I got him settled in I went to my bedroom there and fell to pieces. It was a very difficult thing to do. After everyone got up I went to Bojangles with my aunt to get breakfast for everyone. Mom, grandma, my aunt, and I sat around and had Easter breakfast. After I was done I asked mom when she thought I should go home to get another change of clothes, she said anytime. So I decided to go ahead and go. I went in and squeezed dad's knee, told him I was going to go get some clothes and that I'd be right back. I told him I loved him and he smiled. As soon as I got to my house and sat my things on the kitchen table the phone rang. Dad had died. I had just gotten off the phone with my sister prior to finding out dad had died. I told her that I hoped dad passed while I wasn't there.

So when I got back mom had already called hospice, and they were on the way. I waited til she showed up and then I went to my grandfathers to tell him bout dad passing. After Hospice came, Parrish's Funeral came out to get dad. I watched for them and waited with dad. It was a hard experience, but i'm glad I got to experience it.

As far as how I feel, I'm fine. I am so happy that my last act with dad was one of compassion and love.

So yesterday dad's entire family, brothers and sisters, favorite uncle and mother, were all here. They all sat in the living room with him and dad just smiled the whole time. He doesn't say much anymore, and he's finally given in to morphine drops. He's in pain with his stomach, which I'm assuming is the cancer. He has begun to lose control of his bowels, which suprised us all because he has an Ileostomy. The hospice nurse said that is because of his body breaking down.

There was a moment yesterday when I was in there with him by myself with my uncle and dad called me over to his bedside. I went to him, and he suddenly made this face like he was trying to cough and then he let out a high pitched cry. It hit me hard and my uncle got up and went out. I just stood there, frozen. I didn't ask if he was ok, I just rubbed his knee. When he was able to whisper he simply told me to sit down. I just watched him, and he made this motion like he wanted to throw up, and his face contorted. I didn't know what to do, I was alone with him. I got back up and he shook his head and whisped for me to sit back down. I thought he was dying. I waited and felt like if he dies, what will people think if they walk in and see me sitting here on the couch with my legs crossed, just watching him...

So how do I feel? I feel horrible, just horrible. Not because dad is dying, but because I want him to just let go and fall off to sleep. I know he's suffering and I'm not going to be selfish and want him to stay longer.

I did something last night that I probably will never forget. I had to clean my dad up and change his Depends. That's all i'm going to say about that.