So yesterday dad's entire family, brothers and sisters, favorite uncle and mother, were all here. They all sat in the living room with him and dad just smiled the whole time. He doesn't say much anymore, and he's finally given in to morphine drops. He's in pain with his stomach, which I'm assuming is the cancer. He has begun to lose control of his bowels, which suprised us all because he has an Ileostomy. The hospice nurse said that is because of his body breaking down.

There was a moment yesterday when I was in there with him by myself with my uncle and dad called me over to his bedside. I went to him, and he suddenly made this face like he was trying to cough and then he let out a high pitched cry. It hit me hard and my uncle got up and went out. I just stood there, frozen. I didn't ask if he was ok, I just rubbed his knee. When he was able to whisper he simply told me to sit down. I just watched him, and he made this motion like he wanted to throw up, and his face contorted. I didn't know what to do, I was alone with him. I got back up and he shook his head and whisped for me to sit back down. I thought he was dying. I waited and felt like if he dies, what will people think if they walk in and see me sitting here on the couch with my legs crossed, just watching him...

So how do I feel? I feel horrible, just horrible. Not because dad is dying, but because I want him to just let go and fall off to sleep. I know he's suffering and I'm not going to be selfish and want him to stay longer.

I did something last night that I probably will never forget. I had to clean my dad up and change his Depends. That's all i'm going to say about that.