Sunday, after I had gotten the call that dad had passed; I spent the morning with my family at mom and dad’s. Around 1 I decided to go home and get lunch and drop Mike off at the house. On the way back to mom and Dad’s I started crying and couldn’t seem to stop. When I got to moms my sisters were there with my grandmother and my mom. I went straight to the bathroom because I don’t like for people to see me cry. I don’t like to be consoled or touched when I’m grieving. I don’t know why, but my nerves seem to be on the edge of my skin, and I recoil. I sat in the computer room and continued to try to gather myself back together, but just had a hard time of it. I knew that I couldn’t go into the living room at all because of that hospice bed, so I decided to take it apart and drag it outside under the carport. So my two sisters and I did just that. We put the furniture back the way it use to be and we all felt better for it. As the day drug on and people started coming to visit, things started getting easier. My sister Teresa spent the night, and I reluctantly went home around 9.
Monday was a completely different day. I had slept pretty well and I managed to go about my routine of coffee and dog walking. I then headed over to moms. When I got there my sister Teresa was there with my mom and my grandma. We gathered up dad’s photos and headed off to breakfast at Shoney’s and then went to the funeral home. I sort of had a moment of angry outburst, but it was just that, a short lived lashing out. It was over and I apologized for it afterwards. Then we went and picked out dad’s flowers.
When we got back I decided to get dad’s John Deere riding mower out. I had been hesitant because that was his and he always took the best care of it and I only used it once. I was afraid of how it would make me feel. I was right about that. When I got it out of the barn I couldn’t figure out how to operate it properly and my first thought was to ask dad. I cried because of the obvious. I consulted the manual instead. I worked for a few hours cutting grass to stay busy and then when I finished I went in and showered.
The rest of the day was spent receiving visitors and way too much food. My emotions seemed to be leveled out and I was ok.
I am now overwhelmed with worry for mom. I don’t want her to be alone and I don’t want my grandmother to leave and go back home to Virginia. Mom told me before I went home last night that she was going to have to be alone sometime. I told her that I was having a hard time visualizing that. I know she will be ok eventually, but I have a sick feeling in my stomach for how she will be feeling those first few nights.
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