So this time that has gone by has been fast. I can't believe that dad has been gone a little over two weeks now. It hasn't been as bad I had imagined. I don't know if this makes sense, but I grieved for dad while dad was still with us. By doing that I have an easier time moving forward. I have only gone to visit dad's grave once. I know, I should go more often, and I will make it a plan to go once a week every week. I am so afraid that I am going to start forgetting things about dad, things that are important to me. His voice is still on mom's answering machine, and I've got video of dad carrying on a conversation with us back in 2008 at Thanksgiving. Grandma is also in that video. She died two months before dad.
How do I feel? I feel a complexity of things. I have feelings that I should feel guilty about, but I don't. Dad always was the one person in my life that I gauged everything towards. I acted the way I thought I should around him. I spoke of certain things and didn't speak of certain things. I always felt ashamed of my life because I knew dad didn't approve, but he never said anything contrary of that. He was always accepting of me and he welcomed me into his life daily. Now that dad is gone I don't feel the pressure of any of that anymore, and I feel relieved... Dad constantly told me that he was proud of me, but I haven't ever done anything, at least in my eyes, for him to be proud of. He listed things for me when I asked him why he was proud of me, but still... So I no longer feel the constant longing for dad to be proud of me, he was, and now there is no one left to fill his shoes and I don't have to feel that way anymore. I am released. The father/son connection, at least on this earth, is relinquished. So all the things that I do are gauged towards my self.
I have been helping mom alot. I have been going over there pretty much everyday doing one thing or another. It is very important that I help make her home more "her" home. I've painted her livingroom and her bedroom. She picked out the colors and now those rooms feel like her. I plan on painting the rest of the interior, and hopefully she will decide to paint of the dark 70's paneling that runs through the entire kitchen/dining area. I have kept her yard clean, and I have micro-managed the removal of all of dad's junk and yard debris. I have cleaned out all of her closets and dad's dresser. I plan on spending the next month with her transitioning and then i'm going to gradually ween myself away and into my own life. I will still be there for her, but she's going to be ok, she's strong.
I think once I am confident that mom's house is sorted, I will feel more released than ever knowing that I have done everything I could to make her happy and confident in her life during this transition. I think she will feel released as well once this is all done, and I think she will be more able to move on with her life.
