Learning How to Deal

When it came out that dad was dying from cancer on December 9th I had a hard time being in the same room with him without getting physically upset. I felt a great deal of despair and anguish. It was hard for me to talk to him and keep my composure for any length of time. I felt guilty for being like that. Dad doesn't need to worry about other peoples emotional well being. I kept telling him, when I would go through an episode in front of him, that I was only human, that I was sorry and this is what happens when you love someone. He just kept telling me to be strong. After some practice I learned how to turn my emotions off. I soon discovered there were consequences to that though. Whenever I would be away from dad my emotions would turn back on and it would be like a pot boiling over on the stove. I had a hard time regaining composure. I also started experiencing severe anxiety that inevitably lead to passive aggressive behavior towards other people. Of course the anger stage is part of the acceptance of loss. I think that by being around dad everyday and seeing him in his current condition, that has somewhat desensitized me. I am still shocked by things from time to time... You never get use to seeing someone in a severe emaciated state. I have gotten so I can talk about him and be with him without feeling any grief. I worry sometimes that people might misunderstand and think that i'm not effected by this at all. I don't want to come across as cold, but I've gone through the acceptance of dad's eminent passing. I'm ok at the moment with it.

I can't explain what it feels like once you've gotten past the grief part of losing someone. I think it depends upon the person more than anything. For me, I'm at a point where I just have an urgency to do what I can for dad while he's still here. I am driven by the need to be with him all the time, which i would imagine, is taking a toll on my relationship with Mike. Mike understands though, and it probably does a long term relationship good to have some distance in it from time to time. I've also developed a more critical view of my sisters, but I'm trying hard to understand their actions, or lack thereof... I think once dad is gone I'm going to shatter once again, but I've seen my strength and I know I'll be able to put myself back together again.

Mom is having a difficult time with this. She has gone from having the nervous shakes in her hands and the constant red eyes to being a little calmer and less emotional. She has learned how to change dad's ileostomy bag without panicking. If you've ever seen such a thing, they are difficult. Once you get past the aesthetics of it and see it for it's purpose and function, well it's not so bad. She's also learned how to change the sheets on dad's bed with him on it. That actual comes in handy for many situations in life, it's easier to do than it sounds.

I've learned that when sitting with someone who is dying, conversation isn't always a welcomed thing. Something to always remember, when speaking with someone who is in such a situation is to always direct your conversation to that person. Remember they aren't hard of hearing, so there is no reason to speak loudly. Don't ask how they are doing, ask them how they are feeling at the moment. When there are two or more people visiting in the room, don't converse about things outside of the experience, the person dying doesn't want to hear about such things. Don't gossip or be negative about things, and don't whisper to each other. When in a separate room beyond the dying person, but still within earshot, don't laugh and carry on in mindless conversation. These are things that bother my dad, and would probably anyone in the same situation.